Why Showing Up Matters.

Most of the time, the words aren’t there.

I reach and reach, but they seem beyond my grasp. And when I can grab them, I struggle to shape them into anything coherent. Don’t get me wrong; there are beautiful moments when the words just pour from my fingertips, either through ink or across screen, and it feels like an extension of my heart.

But those moments are rare. For the most part, writing is work. It’s wrestling each word down, fighting for each sentence. It’s ignoring the liar in my head who says I’ve already written the last best thing I’ll ever write. It’s feeling like I’m just on the brink of what I’m really trying to say, but I somehow keep missing the mark. It’s typing and erasing, writing and scribbling out, ripping and crumpling paper.

If it’s really that hard, why do I keep doing it? Why do I keep giving this gift the opportunity to wreck my expectations and steal my time?

The short, uncomplicated answer is this: I’m inclined to believe that my words matter, that they make an impact, that they change things.

I think there are a lot of similarities between writing and praying.

Sometimes the prayers just pour from me, like an extension of my heart. I know exactly what to say to God and it feels like such utter kindness that we can be as close as we are.

But most of the time? Most of the time, praying is work. And I’m not talking about the quick, constant chatter throughout the day. I’m talking about the investment of time in intentional prayer.

It’s wrestling each word down, fighting for each sentence. It’s ignoring the liar in my head who says I’ve seen the last answered prayer I’ll ever see. It’s feeling like I’m just on the brink of what I’m truly praying for, but I somehow keep missing the mark. It’s begging Him to tell me what the right words are, and Him gently (and sometimes not so gently) reminding me that it’s not about the right words. It’s about a right heart.

And I ask myself if it’s really this hard, why do I keep doing it? Why do I keep giving this discipline the opportunity to wreck my expectations and steal my time?

The short, uncomplicated answer is this: I’m inclined to believe that my prayers matter, that they make an impact, that they change things.

So I’ll keep showing up–to the words, to the prayers–and I’ll believe they’ll work together to tell my greatest story in the end.